I’m not sure many people are even aware of the term ‘carenting’. Until very recently I certainly wasn’t and the WordPress spellchecker is similarly perplexed. It was apparently coined in 2020 by Dr Jackie Gray to describe mid-life adults who are faced with the competing demands of their own lives and the needs of their aging parents.

When I discovered this it felt good to realise that there were enough people in similar circumstances to me to have an actual definition applied to our position. My mum is now aged 87 and lives alone, my dad having died almost 20 years ago. She has lived in the same bungalow for 50 years and is adamant that the only way she is leaving is ‘in a box’.

So there we have the basic rules of engagement under which we are currently working. I should add that I am an only child who lives about an hour away with my partner. Both my children are grown up now and would help out if asked I’m sure, but I feel they should be able to enjoy their own lives as much as possible while they can. My mum has been an excellent parent and I want to help her fulfill her wish to remain independent as much as I possibly can.

These good intentions do come with more than their fair share of frustrations and worries though. An obvious example of this is the failing health that accompanies later life. Until recently we had been lucky as my mum has only really been troubled by poor hearing (although that does mean any phone calls need to be pre-arranged for fear she won’t hear the phone). In recent months though her legs and ankles have become swollen to a point that it must be something beyond just water retention. Therefore a trip to the doctors needed to be arranged.

I can’t fault the advice and help we eventually received but the labyrinthine process to get to it would surely be impossible without help for those like my mum not bought up in the information technology age. At our surgery before you can even see a doctor you have to fill in a triage form that is sent to your mobile phone and requires you to follow a link then answer numerous questions and if appropriate send photographs of the problem back. You are then sent a text message either inviting you to see a doctor or if not I assume pointing you to online sources to help with your problem.

Another area of concern is around finance. My mum is relatively fortunate in having the state pension and two small private pensions via my dad’s former employers. However, much like the doctors, keeping tracking of money coming in and out requires some on line knowledge for it to work optimally and we have also fallen foul of forgotten cash point PIN numbers on more than one occasion. In terms of utility bills, we now have everything set up as direct debit so that is at least one less potential problem.

Although I certainly wouldn’t class myself as a brilliant driver or gardener these are two other areas I can help my mum with. Ferrying her (and sometimes her friends) to clubs, trips and shopping while keeping the front and back lawns relatively tidy. The bungalow was built in the 1960s which seems to be a point in time when builders didn’t try and squeeze the maximum amount of properties into the smallest amount of space. Therefore the gardens are a size that would be more suitable for a younger couple who both enjoyed gardening, which of course my mum and dad were back in the day. Currently my best endeavours will have to suffice. Ultimately a gardener might be the solution.

Being brutally honest I have to admit that I’m not the best at either DIY or cooking so beyond what’s been noted above these are the areas that might be a struggle going forward. Property of course requires regular maintenance and there are a couple of rooms that would benefit from some decorating. The boiler is also aging, being of the back boiler style, and as many readers will know this is an expensive venture.

So there are certainly plenty of pitfalls in the role of carent and even now I’ve probably barely scratched the surface. Having said that it’s always brilliant to see my mum happy out with her friends, at family meals or simply sitting comfortably in front of the television watching Emmerdale. Each time I leave her for the night to return home I can’t help worrying until the pre-arranged phone call in the morning to confirm all is well. Time to buckle up and see what the future ride brings.